2 Things a Mother-in-Law's Role Is and Is Not

Parenting

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By Gina Smith, Crosswalk.com

“Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.” {Romans 12:10 ESV}

When my children began dating their spouses, I looked for any book I could find that might teach me how to be a good mother-in-law. In the same way that I wanted to be the best mom I could be while raising my children, I was determined to be the best mother-in-law I could be. I wanted to be a blessing, not a burden, to my children’s spouses. I had seen the picture of the stereotypical mother–in-law that the culture presents in sitcoms and jokes and I was fearful of becoming “that” mother-in-law. I wanted to do everything I could to avoid being that person!

I’d love to be able to say that I have transitioned into my new role with ease, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. As hard as I’ve tried, I have made many mistakes since becoming a mother-in-law. The transition from raising children to watching them begin their own families is not an easy one. It takes more than reading a few books to become a God honoring mother-in-law. It is a process of letting go of what was, of changing our mindset, and giving ourselves time to learn our new role. There will be much trial and error, and that is why it requires wisdom, humility, and grace.

After my children got married, I suddenly felt somewhat “displaced”! I wasn’t sure where I fit into their lives, if I had a voice, and sometimes I wondered if I was even wanted. I didn’t want to intrude on their lives, but I wanted to figure out how to navigate this new reality. It has taken time, prayer, and a lot of learning from my mistakes, but God has slowly been opening my eyes to how to approach this role. As I grow in my understanding of what a mother-in-law’s role is—and what it isn’t—I am able to live out this calling. What I have found is that it is vital for me to stay connected to God, allowing Him to guide and direct me in this very important relationship.

There is so much joy ahead if we can learn the importance of releasing, blessing, and being a steady presence in prayer. I am discovering that when I let go and simply choose encouragement, I am at peace, and we experience a peaceful and enjoyable relationship. Instead of feeling anxious about my role, I am finding freedom in knowing my calling is simple: love, encourage, serve, honor, and bless.

A Mother-in-Law’s Role Is:

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1. A Role of Support and Honor

A wonderful example of how God used the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship is found in the book of Ruth. When both Naomi and Ruth endured great loss, Ruth clung to Naomi with loyalty. Ruth had lived life with Naomi, seen her relationship with God, and wanted to follow God in the same way Naomi did. When it came time for Naomi to go back home, Ruth made this vow: “Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God” (Ruth 1:16). Naomi, in turn, had the privilege of walking with Ruth into a new season, offering wisdom and support.

Looking for ways to honor your son or daughter’s spouse is a powerful way to support them. Romans 12:10 reminds us to “outdo one another in showing honor.” This can be done in so many ways! By affirming their strengths, respecting their decisions as a couple, and choosing words that build up instead of critique.

Being a mother-in-law means shifting from leading to walking alongside. Support is not about controlling decisions—it’s about encouraging, listening, and offering perspective when asked. Sometimes the most supportive thing you can say is: “I’m praying for you, and I’m here when you need me.”

We don’t need to agree with everything in order to support and honor them. But we can choose to treat them with dignity and value their role in your child’s life. Simple statements like, “I see how well you care for my son/daughter,” or, “I’m grateful you’re part of our family,” communicate volumes.

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2. A Role of Prayer and Blessing

Prayer is perhaps the most important role a mother-in-law can have. We will not always have the freedom to say what is on our mind, and we won’t always know what to say, but we can pray! We can pray for their marriage, their health, their parenting, and their walk with Christ. These are ways we can support them without ever overstepping. Philippians 4:6 reminds us, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” Through prayer, we release control and entrust our children and their spouses to the One who loves them most.

Proverbs 31 describes children rising up to call their mother blessed. But mothers-in-law also have the opportunity to be women of blessing. This doesn’t mean buying extravagant gifts or offering endless advice—it means cultivating a presence that encourages, comforts, and uplifts.

A kind note, a meal delivered in a busy season, a word of encouragement—these small gestures can communicate love in powerful ways. Blessing is about choosing to add life to the relationship, not weight.

A Mother-in-Law’s Role Is Not

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1. It Is Not Parenting or Controlling

Genesis 2:24 is clear: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” Once your child is married, your role changes drastically. You no longer have a regular presence and influence in their lives, and you are no longer in the role of a parent directing their decisions. Instead, your goal should be to become a support system, a cheerleader, and a safe place.

When we cling to the parenting role and try to maintain a level of control, we put our children and their spouses in a very difficult position. It will cause friction in their marriage and could potentially drive them away and create division. We need to prayerfully and intentionally release our children into the new season, allow them to build their own household, and allow God to show us how He wants us to live out our new calling.

There will always be a temptation to want to control the narrative and manipulate things so that the relationship with your child and their spouse looks the way we think it should or the way we want it to. Letting go is incredibly difficult after spending years guiding and nurturing a child. But marriage belongs to the couple, not the extended family. Instead of control, we are invited to trust—trust that God is at work in their lives, even when they make decisions differently than we might have wanted them to. Proverbs 3:5–6 reminds us to trust the Lord, not our own understanding.

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2. It Is Not Competition or Criticism

Your child’s spouse is not your rival; they are God’s gift to your family. Assuming the worst and jealousy, whether subtle or spoken, undermines relationships. The healthiest mothers-in-law embrace their daughter- or son-in-law as a new son or daughter to love, not someone to compete with. When we welcome them wholeheartedly, we reflect Christ’s hospitality and unconditional love.

Ephesians 4:29 says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up.” Criticism can wound deeply, especially in sensitive seasons of early marriage or parenting. Instead of critiquing, we need to look for ways to encourage. Exchange, “Why are you doing it that way?” with, “You’re doing a great job.” Small shifts in words can build bridges instead of walls.

God’s Way Is Always Best!

Being a mother-in-law is not about losing influence—it’s about transforming it. You no longer shape your child’s daily life, but you can shape the atmosphere of the relationship with prayer, blessing, and encouragement. This role is an invitation to humility and grace, to step back so that the next generation can step forward. And in doing so, you reflect Christ’s love and create a legacy of peace in your family.

As a mother-in-law, your role is not insignificant. It is significant, sacred, when it is Spirit-led. While the world may make jokes, God sees your faithfulness. He calls you to be a woman of blessing, prayer, and encouragement.

Let’s Pray

“Lord, thank You for providing my precious children with spouses, and for the gift of being a mother-in-law. Help me to love with humility and wisdom, to know when to speak and when to be silent, when to step forward and when to step back. May my words be filled with blessing, my actions with honor, and my prayers with faith. Let my presence reflect Your love and bring peace to my family. Help me not to make the relationship with my children and their spouses about me. Please show me how to love and serve them, and how to be the support system they need. Help me to love them unconditionally, in the same way you have loved me. Amen.”